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All that is writing is not gold
Saturday, June 13, 2009 When it's time to move on

I guess the hardest thing for me to do is to let people go. Just one of those strange things with me. No matter how bad things are, I hate to give up on anyone or to think that the relationship is just no longer compatible for both involved. This week though, I had to do just that. I'm really down about the whole event. But, it's also made me learn something about myself. To push myself to become a better person, inside and out. I've been alot of things in my past, and despite working hard to change myself to become something more I realize I still carry around my bad habits, even if not to the same extreme as they have been.

First and foremost I will work to be even less judgmental. I'm quick to pass judgment on a person before there is even a hello. There are a few womens groups that I'll be joining this summer and two mom's groups I'll be joining this fall. I'm excited about both. It'll be time to practice what I'd like to preach even more. Everyone is different and those differences should be celebrated instead of yanked out into the open and snubbed. Our therapist said, "Look at each other like one of God's children and decide if you would still say the same thing." I think that can apply to anyone and everyone.

Be more accepting. It goes up there with judgmental. Sometimes it's hard for me to swallow other's opinions, especially if I couldn't disagree more. I'm not angry abou their opinions, but I am quick to shoot it down and cover it with mine. I'd much rather nod my head and smile and let them think what they want.

Make friends that I'm proud to have as friends. I've come across alot of hypocrits, judgemental people and worst of all stupid people. I can't have a group of friends that I wouldn't invite over for a family dinner. If I'm always thinking bad thoughts about them or disagreeing with them, it isn't making me a good friend. Actually it's making me a rather bad friend. So I plan to be more selective. I seem to attract people that I am not just the complete opposite of, but those that exhibit even the same bad habits I have. That does no one any good.

Learn to let go. Sometimes things are minor compared to the grand scheme of things. I don't need a chip on my shoulder, I don't need to feel personally affected by everything. Sometimes it is what it is. But, sometimes people just need to be let go. I'm not dependent on any one relationship to see that the rest of my life is wonderful. I don't need to be in a bad relationship just to keep someone around. By closing one door many more will open and I need to be open to exploring my options. If I hadn't been willing to let some things go recently I never would have taken the opportunity to get to know others. Hanging onto my past has really only left me with the past. I'm a different person than I was ten years ago. My friendships haven't reflected that and that's sad.

I want friendships that are about building another person up. I want a friend who is able to listen with an open heart and mind. I need to surround myself with people who just get it. My sister is the best friend I have because she exhibits all of these things. She's the most humble person I know and I wish I could meet more people like her.

I don't know. I guess I'm feeling rather down and making a list of more positive goals to change the situation seems much more productive than moping the loss of something that I feel I've never had. To those of you with best friends who are perfect ina lmost everyway, give them a call and say thank you. Trust me it's as hard to find a good friend as it is to find a good husband.

Good night all. I'm off to watch some tube and read a book. Went to bible study tonight. Sis and I are really excited about the new series coming up. The End of times. Which always makes me sad to think about. If it happens during the time my daughter is growing up she'll miss out on marriage, having children, playing, having friends and going to the movies. It has always made me sad. Despite the fact that when it's over there are those of us going to an amazing place, but to think my daughter will have to also miss out on "worldly" fun saddens me as well. Maybe I shouldn't attend this series. But, I will anyway, not everything is easy to hear but sometimes it just has to be heard.

Posted by Miranda Heart :: 7:53 PM :: 0 comments

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Saturday, June 06, 2009 Getting back into the game

Although I'm not quite ready to pick up the keyboard and start crankin out the words, I am ready to start keeping my journals again. At least for a bit. With the new baby life has been hectic to say the least. It's been an interesting ride with two kids.

The family front has settled down so I guess it was time to start having disagreements with friends. Hubby and I started goign to counseling and it's made a huge difference. The friend front on the other hand has made me wonder why I ever decided to make friends with folks to begin with. Learning how to live peacably in a very opinionated environment is starting to take its toll on me.

On top of that it's forced me into some soul searching. I feel we should always be looking for ways to better ourselves and even if we don't succeed a few steps forward and one step back is still better than standing still. I feel like the year I turned 30 it not only started a new year for me it also began a decade of change. I'm two years into it and although I'm not perfect I'm beginning to look at life and differences with more of an open mind than I did in my twenties. I'm still hot headed I'm still opinionated, but I've learned that it's ok that others differ in their opinions. Not like I get it right everyday, but I'm working towards it. Maybe soon I'll achieve that ever untouchable goal of letting things go. That seems to have gotten worse with age. I dwell on things now and let it eat away at me. In my teens I just dropped it all, the older I get now the more things start to bug me. So that's my thought for the day.

I've been doing alot of reading. I'm having to pump bottles for my little one several times a day and that leaves me with doing little else besides watchign t.v. Now I've seen it all and started picking up my books again. I hope soon I'll be able to purchase an ebook reader and get things started again on my review site. I'm missing my BDSM reading. I'm missing my writing. I tried to pick it up again after the little one was born but it just isn't working out the way I'd like. One step at a time. At some point they all go to school right??

I've been going to church with my sister and focusing on bible study class with her. It's been a real eye opener on how to apply these concepts to everyday life. I've enjoyed it. It's a learning experience and makes sense. Our bible study group is awesome and full of life. Although I must say, it makes it hard to write erotica and read the bible. But, I'll manage somehow. LOL

I guess that's something of an update. I'm on facebook now. Not much to say there. I like it here, I can write as much as I want without anyone cutting me off. Since it seems I've become long winded, I needed this time to just free write.

My hope for 2009 has been to get myself involved in as many mom things as I could. I'd love to have a group of moms to hang out with, talk about the kids with, share stories with. I think the little one will enjoy it as well, even if she's a little too young right now. So I've joined a few moms groups and talkign to the library moms a little more. It's been fun. I can't wait for the school year when our activities pick up again. Hopefully, if I'm lucky it'll help to put some gritty moments of my past behind and help me start fresh.

Be back soon I hope.

Posted by Miranda Heart :: 5:11 PM :: 0 comments

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